sometimes you just feel like telling the world how you really feel.
but even if you did
no one would listen.
ever felt that way?
that's exactly how i feel right now.

some people have this SICK perverse.
the thing about manipulating people.
so fucking irritating.
especially her.
she acts like some desperate bitch
and still talks about others.
grahhh.
really
i may sound arrogant.
but im really sorry to say.
you're a real stupid bitch.
really.
you are.
fuck.
im not thirsting for attention
or STEALING ANY.
you're thirsting for it.
and you over-do it.
then wanna act so sweeetly in front.
bahh
you suck.

you and your sick talks.
im not that dumb.
sending msges pretending to be others
wad the fuck.
it's really fucking immature you noe.
you call me immature.
RIGHT BACK AT YOU PAL.

to everyone.
hate me for all i care.
really.
im so sick of this already.
and you noe bitching.
ESPECIALLY ABOUT THINGS I NEVER FUCKING DID.
i tell ya'll
FUCK YOU ALL AND BURN IN HELL FOR ALL I CARE.
really.
go ahead.
bitch lah.
cynnthia's a slut. yada yada.
make up false stories which never fucking happened.
look at your own asses first.
fuck lah.

sometimes i just wish
everyone would actually noe your true self.
but that's too much to ask for.
haiks.
nevermind.


well i could say i had nothin better to do and was browsing friendster.
and i came across so many playgal or playgerl whatsoever.
wad's with these girls going oooh im playgirl for life man!
so now wad friendster is some place for playgirls selling their bodies?
oh god.
i dunno why.
but really.
not to anyone in particular.
but yeah.
just a general statement.
hehh.
really you noe.
i wonder if they even know what the TRUE meaning of playgirl is.
tsk.
just degrading themselves.
like wad in the world?
haiks.


hello im back
eeks mum's askin me to off da comp.
i'll make it short.
i put up the christmas tree!
along with my sister and mum.
haha
it was fun actually.
going round and round the tree to put the tinsel and lights.
and hanging the balls and deco.
haha.
i've got this tiny tree in my room too.
and yes.
im into the holiday fun.
but i still gotta finish my homework.
ive started
but havent finished
you noe wad's worse?
i dunt have a calculator to do my a.maths.
graah.
hmm.
i've gotta get one soon.
i've still got my diagnostics.
my a.maths one is like on wad?
the christmas dinner day?
23rd dec.
wahlau.
so near christmas.
haha. nevermind.
perservere.
i'll work hard.
*smiles*
i'll update later again if i have time.


i need strength to live on.
god.
help me.
i dunt noe wad else to say but.
give me the strength to move on.
it's really hard.
i've been trying.
alot.
but haiks.
i cant seem to move on.
im still so hurt inside.
i dunt noe how to face them anymore.
everything's so weird now.
maybe i just need a break
a break from everything.
from everyone.
im sorry to say.
but yeah
i cant seem to forgive!
god..
please.
i dont want to lose them.
they were the ones i grew up with
though they hurt me so much.
i really want to forgive them and have fun again
all the crap
all the joy.
all the fun
the warmth of friends.
please god.
heal me.
heal my wounds.
im wounded badly.
really.
it hurts alot.
it cries blood.
im sorry god.
i dunt even noe if i can hold longer.
i feel like bursting.
i need strength.
please.


i was always unaware.
i never did it on purpose i really say.
this is one thing i never got to know.
well until now.
and now i realise.
well i could say.
i was very stupid
to have not realised wad kinda person i was.
i admit
looking back at the past
i realise how terrible and a different person i was.
and to say i bitched about others.
but hey.
who am i to talk about them?
when i myself am like that?
i have no one to care about.
except myself.
i live for myself
and myself alone.
in the end
i only have myself to cry for.

i've thought about it alot.
alot.
about all the things that have happened.
wad i want to do.
to tell you the truth.
i feel like i have no one anymore
in my life.
really.
i dunt know why.
i'm hurt beyond words.
i'm so confused.
so angry.
i fear
that there'll be no one anymore for me to smile with,
enjoy that warmth of being together.
that's one big thing.
friendship.
it sounds like a small thing.
but hey it can do ALOT.

my past ends here.

i'm not gonna let myself fall anymore.
i'm gonna stand strong.
i want to show you, the world.
that i change for the better.
be a whole new person.

but there are some things i cant change.
no matter how hard i try.
people will still talk no matter wad.
i made wrong choices in the past.
which has permanent concequences.
although i regret,
i cant change facts.
i pick myself up from now.
change whatever i can.
i leave all the memories behind.
and start anew.
i want to forgive.
and i'll do my best to forget.
that's one disadvantage of having a gift God gave us.
which is memory.
the profile of the old cynnthia ends here.
i repent.

and i really have to say.
im very very sorry to all those i've hurt.
i really am remorseful now.
i really mean it.
it's up to you all to forgive me.
to every single soul.
all who hate me.
all who love me.
all who regard me as foes.
all who regard me as friends.
all whom i know.
and hurt in ANY way.
ANY way.
im truly sorry.
i want to start my whole life afresh and new.
i live for myself.
and no one else.
and to all those who put me down and hurt me beyond.
i forgive you.
all hard feelings gone.
and yes.
things wont be the same again.
that's for sure.
but i'll still live the way i want.
a better person.
a better life.
i dont want to live in darkness anymore.
i dont want to live in fear anymore.

and this is to you.
to every single soul i know reading this letter.
to you, the world.

.cynnthia


im deprived.
i cant go out.
mummy is damn yucks.
im gonna start studying.
ahaha.
im sure rusty ehh.
my mummy's gone for three days.
goin for camp
i dunno whether i wanna be happy or sad man.
happy cause there'll be no nagging
sad cause there'll be no one to cook and all.
her food aint that bad lah.
gotta say.
ehehehe.

i wanna put my christmas tree up!!
then she dun wanna put cause the house aint clean yet.
well that's kinda true.
but still.
i wanna put it up
then all the christmasy feelings will suddenly overflow.
ahaha.
ok that was crap.
anyway.
orchard looks beautiful
with all the christmas deco.
their theme is music this year i think
all the musical stuff.
i wanna also go for a christmas musical
dunno why.
maybe im crazy.
there's a new one.
called snowqueen
but aiyoo
i know the story siah.
bah.
nvm.
yeap.
and i also wanna go so much of shopping.
there's so much i wanna do
but man.
no money.
will think of a way.
haha..
bubye world.


life has really changed alot.
ive thought very deeply.
i've chosen my path.
i want to live for myself
and not others.
and i dont wanna live in fear either.
not anymore.
im breaking free.

thank you serena.
i've forgiven you.
*smiles*
start anew.
that's a good thing.
to every friend,
i love ya'll to the bits.


eh serena is just damn yuck ok.
im not voldermot.
ok im gonna avoid using eee in this entry.
hahaha.
aiights.
im ron weasely.
the way he goes "bloody hell".
sucha crazy moron.
hehehe.

aiyo i wanna watch that movie lah.
cant wait!
and chicken little also
numah numah hei.
ahahaha.
yeaps.
see
i've come to then end of my entry and never said eee.
i know ya'll are proud of me.
dont deny.
heh heh.
(=


why is everyone dying?
i think it's a virus that's come to singapore.
a virus called serena.
ahahaha.
ok that was just said at random
cause i wanted to blog somethin stupid.

woots.
went to bugis today.
hey the things there are super nice.
the clothes
the shoes.
the make up
the bikinis.
oh my.
if only i was rich
bahh
i can only dream.
haha.
like my mum said
maybe i should do the housework and get the 20 bucks a week.
hah.
then at least i will have money.
if not i'll just die this holidays ok.
oh gees.
she says that's the only work i can do this holidays.
i cant go anywhere to work.
eeee lah.
she is just damn yuck.
eh!
i wanna go wild wild wet!
got sudden feelin to go for that viking thing.
wish we could take photos of the face of the person sittin opposite you when the float goes down.
it's damn hilarious.
ahahaha.

the reason why i get so pissed with you over him.
is cause i will somehow get blamed if you're caught.
if it wasnt for that.
i'd have just left and not cared a long time ago.
now you see why i just dont wish to help you anymore?
some people just dont learn.
what the fuck is wrong with her?
argh.
she still insists on meeting him everyday
hey you noe?
if you skip one day's remedial to go meet him is ok.
you do it EVERYDAY.
everyday you noe.
wad is so special about him?
argh.
he's some baby boy
and you're some baby girl
and you cant live without seeing each other for one day?
oh god.
and all teachers and even baboon thinks you got to know him through me.
wad in the world?
you noe.
he's a nice guy.
at least he understands your sis more than you do.
you treat her like your dog.
and he follows you cause you're in charge.
and you finally realised that we dont help you anymore.
and you jump to another person.
you're using her.
deh.
people have consciences too you noe.
she will realise.
she has.
and you'll be alone.
if you think he's more important,
just be ready to be alone.
cause if he's not around.
you will not be able to survive
trust me
you wont.
give it a thought.


aha.
today was rather fun.
went out with serena.
went to watch flight plan.
ahaha.
it was a thriller movie.
ok lah.
not so nice not so not nice.
woohoo.
serena is really amused with the pinching game
you noe you pinch the person and go wad colour?
yucks lah.
she kept pinching me in the cinema.
and it's not exactly not pain you noe.
damn pain lah.
dont worry.
you'll die one day under the wrath of my pinchings.
hehh.
=)
retribution!
payback time ah.

i wanna watch chicken little!
the one with the big head small body
ahaha.
so cute.
the way it dances to that techno song.
lol
i also wanna watch harry potter.
yeaps.
ahaha.


sereeena din come to church today.
ahahaha.
everyone was rejoicing that she was gone.
woots.
ahahaha.
so fun ah.
i dunno wad to blog about siah.
nvm.
i'll update tmr!
*smiles*


i went to school today again!!!!
eee yucks.
to hear mrs chiaw scream and scream.
ahahahaha
she was really funny lah
i really mean it.
lols
then went for chem and physics remedial.
wooo
it was fun lah.
we made the best out of it.
yayy!!!
hahaha
high self esteem.
woots..

you said you wouldnt meet so often
arghhh.
who am i to say it now.
your life.
it's for you to noe whether it's harmful or not.
cant care less anymore.
im walkin away.
sweet loving life.
three cheers for bitchy love.

now i kinda realise.
it's hard not to lose your temper with your mum
but nyahh.
gotta control.
she keeps blamin me for everything i do.
i noe it's my fault you noe.
i realised i was to blame for my bad results.
argh.
so yeah.
please stop demoralising me?
it just hurts and sucks.
you think it makes me feel better and wad more motivated to study?
i dont think so.
i will do my best and prove it to you mum.


eeeeeee.
the adam khoo course is over.
haiya.
i dont mind goin for another week or so.
it's very fun actually.
with all the crazy coaches.
even one coach did pumping on the table for us.
the other two danced crazy stupid dances to entertain us.
well
i thought it was about studyin.
but the studyin strategy was only about 30% the whole course
the others were about life stories and all.
well.
i learnt to appreciate my mum and dad.
they're the man and woman of ma life.
im proud to say that today.
although i said so many bad things bout them.
haiys.
i love them still.
and i noe
even the day i turn 50
im still gonna be their little girl
where they still nag at you for everythin.
after all.
they're still our parents.
and we'll be parents too one day.
ahahaha.
and that's when retribution comes in ah.
ahhh.
parents.
appreciate them.
love them and show them you're grateful.
while they're still around.
i learnt that.
*smiles*


wahhhh
i never got to go to the beach.
*whines*
went to school for the adam khoo talk.
it's quite fun actually.
all da crazy coaches.
haha
they're really funny.
learnt lotsa things also.
hmm.
yeaps.
okie i suddenly lost the mood to blog.
i'll blog tmr.
bubye world.


ok lah
today was rather funny.
i felt like annoyin everyone.
im glad i did.
i annoyed sereeena.
ahaha.
okok
sorry lah.
i like the letter 'e' alot now.
ahaha
i bet ya'll are groaning now.
lols.
it's fun bein a cha chat actually.
running around and talkin whole lotta shit.
it relieves stress and anger and all sorts of feelins that arent good.
yeaps.
okok
this entry is really lame.
cause today
i din do much.
just laugh
went home and slept
cause i din sleep the night b4.
hehh.
haiya.

mummy's in a baaaddd mood.
so weird
screaming and screaming.
probably pms-ing again.
gees.
her ones are bad.
even my sis practically wanted to kill her.
cause she screamed so much.
wahhh
like screaming war.
in the hall my mum screamin
from the room my sister screaming back.
tsk tsk.
in the end my mum won
cause she used authority
she was like "ehhh stop screaming or i'll slap you"
bahhh
elders these days.
yucks lah.


ok it's 2.11 a.m now.
im havin insomnia today.
dunno why.
aiyoo.

i went shopping today!
haha causeway point.
sighs
they already started puttin christmas decorations already.
hmm
wooooo!
i bought the random hemline skirt!!
it's niceee.
nawww
but i couldnt get those white tops
but i got a maroon and green one instead.
colours i never really was interested in.
but yeah
not bad
i kinda like those colours now.
haha.
wooo.
im gonna make the best of these holidays.
*smiles*


i never went out today.
but hehh
had a fun time lah.

woots.
i wanna go on the 8th nov!
*crosses fingers*


sighs.
the second death.
my aunty passed away.
tsk.
over chlorine fumes.
cause she was cleanin the house with chlorine.
and she was asthmatic.
and so she got a severe attack.
and she died on the way to da hospital.
tsk.
haiys.
why do people seem to die so fast.
hmm.
went for her funeral.
i din wanna go cause of that fear whenever i see dead people.
but she was my second relation.
as in my dad's brother's wife.
so i had to be there.
and so i went to madai crematerium for the second time.
SO BIG ok.
and so high tech.
i never realised how big it was since the last time.
hehhh.
it was a real slow day today.
the whole day i was at the funeral.
and my first time seein how a hindu funeral was done.
it was quite interestin seein it for the first time.
hmmm.
so many deaths these days.
tsk.


HAPPY DEEPAVALI EVERYONE!
went to my granny's place.
woohoo.
wells.
got some money.
dont even know if it's enough to get all that i want to buy.
haiys.
bein around them was weird.
not to mention HER.
the typical bitchy self.
"mum you go first. i've got some bitchin to do."
hur hur.
i just hope you realise im not the least bothered about wad you have to say about wad i wear, how i groom myself and handle myself.
im happy the way i am.
you are no fuckin person in my life to tell me wad to do.
like i said.
even my dad has nothin to say about it.
and you have a thousand and one things to say.
fuck you bitch.

anyway lookin on the brighter side.
i wanna go shoppin for new year.
woo hoo.

i wanna buy
new earings
that shiny belt
that random hemline skirt
beaded tops
white top
maroon shawl
tying heels
cheek stain
a real nice jacket
brown contacts
a black and pink halter bikini

bahhh.
okok
so many things i wanna buy.
i wish i could work for that money.
but nay.
parents dont allow.
i finally reconciled with my dad.
it's all good now.
phew.
thanks to mum.
*smiles*
love you.
ok now im really lookin foward to christmas.
since i finally feel that we're a family again.
tis the season to be jolly
falalalalalalalala...

cynnthiaChitrah
11Jan`90
Temasek Polytechnic


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